At that early time, if you were to rate your relationship between 0-10, chances are you were a 9 or 10. If you were to rate it today, what would you say? If you're here, exploring couples work, chances are it's a 3 or less. It is possible to bring it back to a 9 or 10? Absolutely! Is it the same steaminess of a new relationship? No. Is it better? More real? Yes. In our relationships, most of us desire to be loved, (even revered), honored, respected and supported.
Imagine a relationship where you can discuss your differences without a verbal smackdown or silence/avoidance. A relationship where there's no need to be right. Or, how about a relationship without passive aggressiveness? Imagine... a relationship without being controlled or the need to be controlling. It's all possible, yet not without work. Maybe you grew up in a family who didn't model great relational skills... that's okay, most of us didn't. The good news is you can change that legacy, starting today. Setting the intention to be better and do better is a great step. The next would be contact me, or another professional who will provide you with the tools and skills as well as overcome roadblocks.
And then there's the family to consider. Do you have kids? Do you want more for your children's future relationship than you have? You are the models... the most important influences in their lives. If you want something different for them, it starts with you. I know I'm being blunt, but it's the truth. People seek what's comfortable (familiar) whether is 'feels good' or not. Chances are, there are aspects of your relationship that closely align with your family experience. It's a legacy... one that will continue on unless the commitment and work is done to break the chain.
I created this today for the couples section of my website, relationship awakenings.com. After writing, I thought it made for a good blog post as well although it's missing a challenge.. so here it is!
Identify one aspect of how you show up in your relationship that it's the most helpful. This isn't about your partner, it's about you, and what you can change of control. Once you have it, give further thought to what you might change to shift this unhelpful aspect. If it's the need to be right, how might you let that need go? How do you imagine it would feel? What do you need to do in order to allow it to happen? Try it out for a week and make notes of your experience. How did it feel to you? i.e. Did you feel lighter? More stress? What did you experience from others? Perhaps where things might have escalated in the past, they didn't.
This is just an example. I would love to hear your feedback.